I Want It All Back

All the blood I gave…

Catastrophe ripped through my flesh [like it was no
thing]
Stitched up on a hospital bed [like it was no
thing]
I spent months letting it heal [like it was no
thing]
Lesson learned from all the blood? uhh
NOTHING

 

All the sweat I gave…

I was nervous that life would never change [so I ran]
I couldn’t stand being the same [so I ran
away from yesterday] My plan
Was to be something better than me
[good plan]

 

All the tears I gave…

Failure became
Normal
Failure became
Normal
Failure became normal
Normal became blood
Blood became vision and all I saw was guts
The inner-workings of my life all looked so diseased
Running around and breaking down I broke down to my knees
Where
Crying became

Crying became

Crying became normal
I felt like such a pussy
How could they
Be this way?
Why did they leave me?
I can’t fucking stand this
I want to just end this
I want to fucking blow my head off
And just end this

 

All the blood I gave…
I want all my blood
All the sweat I gave…
I want all my sweat
All the tears I gave…
I want all my tears

I want it all back
I want to extract my memories onto a dumbdrive
Hook the dumbdrive up to a computer
And print a big stack
Of my embarassmentz
Delete it
Then I want to burn it all
And forget it
So I can feel what it’s like to believe again
So I can feel what it’s like to be clean again

I Miss You All The Time

I miss you all the time man
I miss you
All the time
When will time tick back and tock me with your perfect smile?
If I retrace my steps and I re-live all the days
That have passed since you left will I ever find your face?
Can you please achieve your dreams and come back to me
With stories?
I’m lonely…
And I’m fighting death with bottles and the glory
I felt yesterday
I…

I… sigh

 

I miss you all the time man
I…
Miss you all the time

I Almost Fucking Choked To Death

I was simply taking a sip of coffee
When I started thinking about what we used to do

How funny it was…

And when I laughed
I choked so hard that I got a sick pain in my gut
Like it was filling up with blood
Like my insides shifted gears
And my heart was pumping tears


Pain scratching up my throat…
Laughter drowning in my heart…
Tears enveloping my eyes…
And it was then
When I began to understand
How
Life has a way of personifying our deepest feelings
When we’re not paying attention

So…

With pain enveloping my eyes, tears scratching up my heart,
And a nervous laugh drowning in my throat…

I just wanted to tell you
That
I almost fucking choked to death
Over all the time that we spent happy
Over all the years that we spent laughing
Over all the things that sl i pp e d

Away

Gradually…

I almost fucking choked to death
Over all the love I have for you

Pain enveloping my heart…
Laughter scratching up my throat so as to avoid drowning my eyes in tears…

I almost fucking choked to death
When I thought about what we used to do

They would’ve said that
Coffee killed me…

But we’d both know the truth

Slaughterhouse

Reactions from a knife forced in my head:
I don’t give a shit
This slaughterhouse retracts all regrets
I don’t give a
Shhhh…

Fight your fucking fight and I will still do what is right
There’s no light in your obsession
I am learning lessons and they’re making me much stronger
I no longer fear pain, blood, dismay
Destruction, or my birthday
I blow out the candles that you light
As you blow out mine
You built this Frankenstein but it’s a sunny day outside
No brightening, lifening lightning
Only sunlight shining down on blood and guts
It seems God called your bluff
Motherfuck!
You better start handing over the obscene
And make sure that it’s clean

Everything’s flying but I can’t tell if it’s in the air
Or if I’m underwater
It all seems the same when you’re under so much pressure
I see you standing over me with knives and I wonder
What the fuck?
Am I stuck? Why can’t I move? Am I real? Who are you?
Then you force a knife into my head
And I no longer give a shit
Thanks for cutting out the part that cares
And throwing it everywhere

I Stand In The River

Everything hurts
That’s how I know it’s a mission
I’m not afraid of death
I listen
To the sound…
Of freedom
Pounding
Drums in my head
My mind
Melts
To the tempo of it
And pours into the cracks where I stand
Vessels branching, making the land
Fertile
Giving others a chance

To go on…

I stand in the river

I STAND
IN THE RIVER
THIS IS WHERE I HAVE TO DIE
I AM SO SICK OF
DREAMS AND ALL THEIR LIES
I STAND
IN THE RIVER
THIS IS WHERE I HAVE TO DIE
This is where I am in peace
And in peace is where I want to lie

Casting hope into the depths
And reeling back its emptiness
I was fishing for a chance
An accomplishment all mine…

Casting hope into the depths
And reeling back its emptiness
I was fishing for a chance
To catch a moment in time…

But I decided to walk away
From my lucid fantasies
To a place where I can’t help but be
As crazy
As I long to be

I decided to walk away
With footsteps changing along the way
From shoes to socks to barefoot, they
Wrote the story as I

Walked away
From everything
I’d

Earned

And

Everything

Hurt…

Everything hurts
That’s how I know it’s a mission
I’m not afraid of death
I listen
To the sound…

Of freedom
Pounding
Drums in my head
My mind
Melts
To the tempo of it
And pours into the river

This is where it ends
No more excuses
No more friends

I stand in the river
The currents rush against my face
The blood I cry flows behind
And drowns me at a stable pace
Of freedom
Pounding
Drums in my head
This is where it
Has to
End
No more breathing

No more

Friends

I am so sick of
Dreams and all their lies

I stand in the
River
This is where I slowly die
With eyes wide open I don’t need
The tears I used to cry
To feel the world rush into me
And attempt to drag me along
No,
I stand in the
River
And I’ve never felt so strong

Wishing for Wind

Oh God

 

I wish the wind would blow

And cool off my…

WHATTHEFUCKFUUUUUCKFUCK
AHHHHHHHHHHHFUCKWHATTHE
FUUUUUUUUCKFUUUUUCKFUCK
AHHHHHHHHHHHFUCKFUUUCK
Oh God I wish the wind would blow
And cool off my
hot head
I was given the truth and I
Reacted well wrong again

Oh God I wish the wind would blow
And calm me down again
I was faced with something real and I
And I
Freaked out again

Oh God I wish the wind would blow
Everything

away

Some
times
life’s too hard and I
Can’t deal with it today
I don’t want it
I can’t deal with it
Don’t want it that way

Oh God
I wish
The wind
Would blow
The giant hole out of my soul
Control was lost when I “took hold”
Of life and thought it was control
I know now that I must let go
Of this and let the cool wind blow
Me up and down through life’s astound
ing

ness?

I guess??

I just can’t seem to express
Desire to end this emptiness? helplessness? helpless emptiness
I guess
I’m overwhelmed with stress
I just needed to confess
That all the best
Things in life
Chagrin [vexed by disappointment or humiliation]
Now
That I’m
Loud
When I say
OH GOD I WISH THE WIND WOULD BLOW!!
And the wind
Blows me away

Erasing Nothingness

(CRUNCH OK, I’m awake
CRUNCH What do I say?
CRUNCH What dO I do?
CRUNCH Who AM I?
CR..WHO ARE YOU?..CH)

Nothing was created here
The words were already there
Nothing new or fresh becomes
Of a pencil and a pair
Of objects resting in a room
(A person and a chair)
Nothing was created when
The paper lost it’s bare
Existence.
Perhaps this is a
Test
Perhaps the homework’s done and this
Is where I put the best
Combinations of what I’ve learned
(My BACK, BACK, FORWARD+PUNCH)
To rest so I can get the best
Of each confusing crunch
Perhaps this is where it’s lost and
Nothing matters much
Perhaps the paper and man become
A cross-examined “one”

Perhaps, but that’s
Unlikely
The truth’s that this was just
A way to become slightly
Less
Of a man

The words were already there
I am just the soft flesh
The pink end
Of the pencil
CRUNCH Erasing nothingness
From the pages of an existence

An eraser? I am nothing but a man if I don’t make this
Work
If I can’t make it disappear
I’ll have just been beating off
Making me feel good until
I am carried off