Poetry

Slaughterhouse

Reactions from a knife forced in my head:
I don’t give a shit
This slaughterhouse retracts all regrets
I don’t give a
Shhhh…

Fight your fucking fight and I will still do what is right
There’s no light in your obsession
I am learning lessons and they’re making me much stronger
I no longer fear pain, blood, dismay
Destruction, or my birthday
I blow out the candles that you light
As you blow out mine
You built this Frankenstein but it’s a sunny day outside
No brightening, lifening lightning
Only sunlight shining down on blood and guts
It seems God called your bluff
Motherfuck!
You better start handing over the obscene
And make sure that it’s clean

Everything’s flying but I can’t tell if it’s in the air
Or if I’m underwater
It all seems the same when you’re under so much pressure
I see you standing over me with knives and I wonder
What the fuck?
Am I stuck? Why can’t I move? Am I real? Who are you?
Then you force a knife into my head
And I no longer give a shit
Thanks for cutting out the part that cares
And throwing it everywhere

I Stand In The River

Everything hurts
That’s how I know it’s a mission
I’m not afraid of death
I listen
To the sound…
Of freedom
Pounding
Drums in my head
My mind
Melts
To the tempo of it
And pours into the cracks where I stand
Vessels branching, making the land
Fertile
Giving others a chance

To go on…

I stand in the river

I STAND
IN THE RIVER
THIS IS WHERE I HAVE TO DIE
I AM SO SICK OF
DREAMS AND ALL THEIR LIES
I STAND
IN THE RIVER
THIS IS WHERE I HAVE TO DIE
This is where I am in peace
And in peace is where I want to lie

Casting hope into the depths
And reeling back its emptiness
I was fishing for a chance
An accomplishment all mine…

Casting hope into the depths
And reeling back its emptiness
I was fishing for a chance
To catch a moment in time…

But I decided to walk away
From my lucid fantasies
To a place where I can’t help but be
As crazy
As I long to be

I decided to walk away
With footsteps changing along the way
From shoes to socks to barefoot, they
Wrote the story as I

Walked away
From everything
I’d

Earned

And

Everything

Hurt…

Everything hurts
That’s how I know it’s a mission
I’m not afraid of death
I listen
To the sound…

Of freedom
Pounding
Drums in my head
My mind
Melts
To the tempo of it
And pours into the river

This is where it ends
No more excuses
No more friends

I stand in the river
The currents rush against my face
The blood I cry flows behind
And drowns me at a stable pace
Of freedom
Pounding
Drums in my head
This is where it
Has to
End
No more breathing

No more

Friends

I am so sick of
Dreams and all their lies

I stand in the
River
This is where I slowly die
With eyes wide open I don’t need
The tears I used to cry
To feel the world rush into me
And attempt to drag me along
No,
I stand in the
River
And I’ve never felt so strong

Wishing for Wind

Oh God

 

I wish the wind would blow

And cool off my…

WHATTHEFUCKFUUUUUCKFUCK
AHHHHHHHHHHHFUCKWHATTHE
FUUUUUUUUCKFUUUUUCKFUCK
AHHHHHHHHHHHFUCKFUUUCK
Oh God I wish the wind would blow
And cool off my
hot head
I was given the truth and I
Reacted well wrong again

Oh God I wish the wind would blow
And calm me down again
I was faced with something real and I
And I
Freaked out again

Oh God I wish the wind would blow
Everything

away

Some
times
life’s too hard and I
Can’t deal with it today
I don’t want it
I can’t deal with it
Don’t want it that way

Oh God
I wish
The wind
Would blow
The giant hole out of my soul
Control was lost when I “took hold”
Of life and thought it was control
I know now that I must let go
Of this and let the cool wind blow
Me up and down through life’s astound
ing

ness?

I guess??

I just can’t seem to express
Desire to end this emptiness? helplessness? helpless emptiness
I guess
I’m overwhelmed with stress
I just needed to confess
That all the best
Things in life
Chagrin [vexed by disappointment or humiliation]
Now
That I’m
Loud
When I say
OH GOD I WISH THE WIND WOULD BLOW!!
And the wind
Blows me away

Erasing Nothingness

(CRUNCH OK, I’m awake
CRUNCH What do I say?
CRUNCH What dO I do?
CRUNCH Who AM I?
CR..WHO ARE YOU?..CH)

Nothing was created here
The words were already there
Nothing new or fresh becomes
Of a pencil and a pair
Of objects resting in a room
(A person and a chair)
Nothing was created when
The paper lost it’s bare
Existence.
Perhaps this is a
Test
Perhaps the homework’s done and this
Is where I put the best
Combinations of what I’ve learned
(My BACK, BACK, FORWARD+PUNCH)
To rest so I can get the best
Of each confusing crunch
Perhaps this is where it’s lost and
Nothing matters much
Perhaps the paper and man become
A cross-examined “one”

Perhaps, but that’s
Unlikely
The truth’s that this was just
A way to become slightly
Less
Of a man

The words were already there
I am just the soft flesh
The pink end
Of the pencil
CRUNCH Erasing nothingness
From the pages of an existence

An eraser? I am nothing but a man if I don’t make this
Work
If I can’t make it disappear
I’ll have just been beating off
Making me feel good until
I am carried off

Benevolent Beast

I cannot touch the beautiful things for I make them fall apart
Smiles grow as black as the neglect around my heart
Flowers catch on fire; birds fly straight at the sun
Children burst out crying dogs turn around and run
A beckon call is ringing but I cannot seem to find
Anything resembling Alex Graham Bell’s great design
Bursting with confusion pulling masks over my face,
Gloves over my hands, and pants over my legs
I leave my chest exposed and begin to make my way
Around the Earth to find some snugness in a beast who wants to play
A beast who’s blind to ugliness and resistant to the rush
Of cancer painfully trickling from hands that yearn to touch
A beast who sings a song that could soothe the sickening ring
A beast who remedies everything that’s wrong with me

I need a beautiful beast
Who will not fall apart
A woman who can vindicate
A poet’s savage heart

Deathmaticians

When will the deathmaticians learn
That I don’t fit the mold
I am unforgettable[
Unreasonable][
In my] out of their [control]
They don’t like that because my neck’s their goal
And I won’t take their shit anymore
I won’t walk in line anymore
Another line suggesting nonconformity
And another
Like, a thousand “I don’t give a fuck”s
And a glowing omnipresence leaping out of a crowd of shadowy distillate blindness
Yeahhh!!

Down with the deathmaticians!
Up with me!

Apathy Is A Disaster

I believe that apathy is a disaster
And I wish trees would grow faster
Or that I would grow
Slower
But I am a lover and though love lives forever
The lover does
Not

Tragedy…

From every branch of every tree the tragedy of life is
Growing, living, and falling to the ground…
Everything that comes to be
Leafs (Yeah I know it’s spelled “leaves” – it’s a metaphor
Asshole! Haha! God you’re
Dumb! Hahahaa
aaauhhhh…)

I believe that laughing at someone is
Admitting you’re better
And admitting you’re better
Is proof that you’re worse… So
To keep myself humble
I laugh at everyone
Including
Me
I suggest you do the same
And don’t worry about embarassment
4
Embarassment is an admittance of fault
Remember: everyone is just as bad As you
They may just choose
To hide
When you choose to climb
Knowing full well you will fall off

This

Gigantic branch
Of other people’s judgme
nt is mankind’s worse disease
Judgment is mankind’s worst disease
At least that’s my belief
Anyway…

I believe that life is mine
That life’s all I know
And though someday punishment will slow
Me down
I’ll still clown
Around and around
While I fall
To
The ground And

Please…

When I begin to rot Please
Show apathy toward me Please
Leaf me beneath the tree
And let it be
A tragedy

Sister’s Reaction To My Black Eye

Afraid to talk
For fear that someone’s listening
My mind crawls
Through narrow tunnels in Ireland
My brother’s there
My brother’s right in front of me
And he is scared
I didn’t think he was scared of anything
Life goes forward
Fast forward through everything
I go on knowing
That I’ll never amount to anything
I get drunk
I get punched right in the eye
I take a drive
To my sister’s house and she immediately screamsWHO DID THIS TO YOU?
In the most sudden rage I’ve ever seen
She burst into tears
At the very sight of my embarrassed pain
WHO DID THIS TO YOU?
WHAT THE FUCK? I’LL KILL THEM
TELL ME WHO DID THIS
SO I CAN FUCKING KILL THEM!

I assured her that it’s ok
That I deserved it anyway
But she didn’t care

And that is why I love my sister

 

The One Who Dies

I think I might be the one who dies
The soonest
I’ve been living fast and loose and have been blessed
With too much too fast too often to keep this going —
Every time I wake up I’m shocked
I quiver like wow am I really getting a chance to do this
Am I really getting a chance to be a father to these
Amazing people and a husband to a perfect,
Perfect
Perfect
Woman – a woman who was perfect the day I met her
And has held defense against my onslaught in one arm
While embracing me with her other
Who has always known exactly when to drop her defense and
Embrace me with both —
God she feels like hope —
I get in a car that’s nicer than it should be
My commute’s a trailer for a feel good movie
I work, I get respect, I collect more than I should
And I bring it all home to these
Wonderful people
And all along, it’s clear to me that I’m a piece of shit
I am a breathing heaving piece of shit
And every single day
I imagine dying
I feel like I deserve to
That I have way too much
Way way way too much good luck
What the
Fuck

And all day
Every day
That shitty side of me gets slain
Beaten down, stood on
Stood on and stared at and totally fucking
Dominated
By the real me
By the one who screams

Thank god that side of me is here
Confident ly alive
God I hope
I am the one who DIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!